Mmmm Yummy Sand

I admit it. By gosh I am a Glenn Beck listener. I cannot turn it off, whatever I do. I enjoy it, and to say that I enjoy it means that I am a masochist. This must be how the town’s people felt as Paul Revere road through town shouting, "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

Dear G-d, I want so badly to bury my head beneath my pillow and suck my thumb until it all just passes by. "Go away Paul! Stop with your rubbish!" Oh how envious I am of those people who go through life blissfully ignorant of what is going on around them. Playing video games, watching sitcoms, chatting on the computer with dangerous strangers they've never met in real life; what bliss. The distractions, you might say, are their protection.

Oh, but no, I have to distract myself with Glenn Beck. He implores me daily to prepare myself and my family for the "Perfect Storm" that is washing onto shore. "Store up food." "Buy Gold." "Get your guns now, while you still can." My friends and family look at me with what can only be described as pity. It is a look one might give a toddler who eats sand and, while gagging and spitting, continues to shovel it in. "What a misguided fool."

Bail-outs (government purchases of private enterprises) continue to unfold from financial institutions, to GM to Boscovs. That's right; Pennsylvania will now be bailing out Boscov's. "Thank you Fast Eddie Rendell." (Mmm Mmmm yummy sand).

Whatever happened to a business failing, an entrepreneur buying up the assets and rebuilding the business from the ashes into something greater than it ever was? Edison had to fail 3000 times before he created a successful light bulb.

This won't stop until the government has a stake in EVERYTHING. We're almost there. They certainly have a stake in me and it will only grow larger when they control my healthcare. "AHHHH!!!"

Oh Glenn, look what you have done to me. I want to be like those other people; those family and friends who look at me with such sympathy. "Look at the poor little toddler eating that Glenn Beck sand." They shrug their shoulders believing that they would stop me if they could, but the "be prepared" motto of the boy scouts (oh those evil, hate mongering boy scouts) is ingrained in my brain, and as such, if the perfect storm is going to hit (and it appears it is) I sure as heck want to be prepared. "Mmm sand. I wonder if this next handful will taste like powdered sugar." They couldn't stop me if they tried.

These people of whom I speak; my friends, my family, my acquaintances; they are not dummies. They are far smarter than I. They actually enjoy their television shows, reading their fiction novels and playing their video games. Their blood pressure is probably within a range that the mortal body was created to handle.

That's what makes them smarter. They know what sand should really be used for; burying our heads.